Bratz (2007) Reviews

• By far one of the worst films - ever

  editor-2992007-08-02

  Had I not been forced to see this film because of my occupation (and the fact I have two young daughters), I would have avoided this particular production like Richard Simmons avoids women. However, no such luck came my way on this night, and I was subjected to one of the single most shallow, insignificant, poorly-directed, badly-acted movies of the year. Or in ANY year, for that matter. "Bratz, The Movie" is supposedly based on those slutty-looking dolls with huge eyes, full lips and no noses; figures which many parents feel imbues their daughters with an overinflated infatuation with clothes, shoes and make-up. Unfortunately, this movie is live action (but still concentrates on the whole "appearance is the most important" thing). And while the film tries to touch on friendships being key, the main message here is that only thin, good-looking people are worth anything; and the only way to make a difference in the world is to wear the latest, most expensive fashions. As if any of this makes any difference, here's the basic plot outline: Four adolescent girls (all beautiful with perfect bodies), Yasmin (Natalie Ramos), Jade (Janel Parish), Sasha (Logan Browning) and Chloe (Skyler Shaye) enter high school. It's also needless to mention that none of these young women has even the most remote acting talents, whatsoever. In fact, I've seen better acting in a morgue. Friends, the combined talent of the entire cast and crew of "Bratz" could be put in a thimble and there would still be room for Rosie O'Donnell's butt. But I digress ... Anyway, these four vapid souls enter Carrie A. Nation High School (which is more than appropriate since I wanted to take a hatchet to the projection room during this preview) and immediately clash with uptight beauty queen, Meredith (Chelsea Staub) and her group of "Heathers" wannabes. Meredith - even though a freshman - has divided the entire academy into clicks (emo's, skaters, geeks, potheads, jocks, tree-huggers and other assorted losers). Why anyone accepts this pigeon-holing is beyond me, but wondering about this isn't worth the time it takes for a synapse to fire, so ... And while it's easy to see the above-mentioned no-names populating this production, it's quite disheartening to watch a veteran actor such as Jon Voight, who plays Meredith's father and school principal. He not only embarrasses himself in the movie, but has put a stamp of incompetence on what was once a stellar career. Oh, there's also a deaf kid, Dylan (Ian Nelson) who somehow has the power to hear Yasmin singing (oh, and he can spin turntables, as well). The picture's witless conclusion consists of a huge birthday bash for Meredith (see enters on an elephant) and a loud and irritating musical number (it's amazing what passes for entertainment in today's world). My little girls liked this film, but then again they are 3 and 7-years old. Unless you fit into this particular gender or age group - or are in a coma - you will see this entire enterprise as shallow as a saucer and empty-headed as Paris Hilton. Truly one of the worst movie-going experiences since "Are We Done Yet?"

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• Aaaaugh! My Eyes! My Ears! My Brain! All Ruined!

  jameswestinghamiii2007-09-08

  Aaaaaaauuuugh!!!! This movie was so awful it makes me wish I had been struck blind and deaf as a child! I watched it with 2 friends, to try for an MST3K style viewing but.... it doesn't work!!! One of my friends became very still, and started attracting flies halfway through the film, and another one became temporarily quadriplegic from watching this! I'm 20... I haven't cried for any reason since I was 12, and this movie brought me to tears. Not from laughter, not sadness... it was SO bad, I had no emotions that could be connected to this film, and I just started crying because nothing else quite fit. If these people tried to perform like this two thousand years ago, they would have been stoned to death. The acting was so terrible, I think I lost my faith in mankind. The materialism in this movie was so... I can't even think of an adequate adjective to describe it... No wonder there are countries that want to see our way of life crumble... after seeing this movie, I almost agree with them. The MST3K guys would be speechless, watching this. It's so awful, no one could possibly lampoon this movie. It's too terrible to properly mock and satirize. I feel really terrible for the companies that sponsored this. They really lost out on this investment. The attempts at throwing in messages about individualism and inner strength would have worked, if there hadn't been the "be yourself, but dress fashionably to be accepted" message splayed across this film like roadkill. It's a good thing I didn't have any forks, or acetylene torches nearby... or I would have tried to stab/burn my brain out. I seriously considered gnawing my own leg off several times, to escape watching this film. I actually lost the ability to breathe after about 40 minutes of this film... I eventually remembered how, but it took a while. Not good... My roommate has completely lost his mind... he asks questions like, if Darth Vader showed up at our door, should we hang out with him, and some remarks about hollowed out breasts and orange juice... he's completely lost his mind. Don't watch this movie if you value your sanity!!!

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• What a way to ruin a birthday party.

  nightmare9752007-08-10

  Ugh. The first words that came out of my mouth when I found out my friend's sister wanted to see this for her birthday. First off, I have never bothered to play with Bratz dolls once in my life, nor will I ever. This movie has got to have some of the worst dialog in a movie ever. (Note to script writers: If you really have to put "OMG" as an actual spoken line, then I think it's time to rethink your career) After this monstrosity finally ended, I looked to my friend and we looked to her sister, who then informed us that the movie was horrible. In the words of the Bratz Girls: "Like OMG! No way!" Seriously, if you want to ruin someone's birthday, then I recommend Bratz: The Movie.

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• This didn't get sent DTV why?

  anthrofredd2007-08-05

  If you missed the ridiculously shallow ego-trip of Hilary Duff "Material Girls" last year, don't worry, here's another shallow teen movie for you that steals so much from Mean Girls that it hurts. The movie is based on the ugly dolls with the same name with perfect bodies and lots of money - only in the movie, the blond girl doesn't have any money at all. But don't worry, when she really needs it (for a dress), her friends have gift certificates. Sure enough, no one would like to see a movie with a bunch of fat teens running around acting silly but did the movie have to star four slender girls with attitude problems? Because let's face it, these girls think that appearance is the most important thing in the world. They're seriously not much better than their enemy - Meredith. And by the way - how did the word 'brat' become a positive word? For me it's still a very negative word meaning that your parents have spoiled you. Bratz doesn't want to give its core audience (small girls) a good message. It wants them to realize how important fashion and appearance is - and if you have an ugly outfit on - always make sure to keep a fashion emergency kit with you. Ugh.

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• thoughts from a grown man about a movie based upon dolls who've spent 100 hours a week at the mall

  Quinoa19842007-08-09

  Let me be clear here first of all: I'm in my twenties, and I saw Bratz, but not for any kind of simple lewd intentions at gawking at sexy teens in gobs of make-up and slutty clothes. My intentions were a little more pure, on a movie-geek level. Or rather, I went in with the expectation that it *would* be a bad movie, and even one that would go to such ridiculous lengths as to be awesomely bad, to the level of something like Ghost Rider, where taking it seriously would provide brain damage, and by not would give some form of entertainment (especially if you have friends to make jokes with during the movie, which for something like Bratz isn't inappropriate to 'ruin' for the rest of the audience). It's a staggering, warped view of high school life, the connections made in 'cliques' and social order, and about the bonding between girls who can't get enough of talking to each other through their web-cams. It also has enough montages to kill a few horses, Jon Voight with not only a prosthetic nose but a statue of his head with the same fake nose, a fluffy dog who gets beauty treatment along with her owner, a mariachi band that lives at the house of the Hispanic girl of the Bratz (and, for some reason, this doesn't seem too out of place, especially when they show up at talent shows), and...Jesus, did I mention the montages? But for all of this, if one is in the right frame of mind, it's hilarious, even achingly and hysterically, funny material, whether it was intentional or not. Frankly, I'm sure that the filmmakers didn't quite know what they were doing outside of making a big long commercial with the intellectual value of Tropicana fruit punch. But on those levels it almost works at times at looking like an unintentional satire; what is one to make of the symbolism of the heightened security at the high school envisioned by the school emblem and trophies: a hand holding an ax, with little figures holding the axes all over the school in one form or another? It also makes for some ample absurd moments when just seeing the four Bratz having a fight amongst themselves about sticking together or going off into their other interests (naturally, they have only one aptitude a piece, one soccer, one cheer-leading, one science, and one journalism/singing), and as well the diabolical attempts to thwart all of their fun by the nasty, less than one-note daughter of the principle, who goes for a 2nd super sweet sixteen party even after she's turned 16. Maybe if you're already quite a young girl, seeing this movie might not matter too much in the grand scheme of things as far as real psychological impact. But at the same time if one were to look objectively, Bratz's message is a little scrambled and quite off in any positive aspect. Does one stick with friends or act individualist or, um, like, go into another clique or another table? How about staying fashionable, in the glammed up style that the girls go to lengths to do- leading up to, of course, the Bratz mobile that they walk out of to the climactic talent show- even in the face of peril? It really doesn't serve any artistic integral purpose whatsoever either. So, in the end, it works best as a so-bad-it's-still-bad-but-uproarious treat for those who gorge on works that slip by in pop culture that are so sapped with the vigor of commercialism that to read through the mixed messages would take a pot of coffee and a fine-toothed comb. But along the way, it's got montages, and songs, LOTS of songs- which are, as one might imagine who doesn't listen to Radio Disney, the worst trash possible right now. Brattitude!!

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